Do You Have A Growth Mindset As A Mom?
I'm reading Lenore Skenazy's "Free-Range Kids" and found this passage was sort of a zinging reminder for me as a mother. I've read about growth mindsets versus "fixed" mindsets before, and how important they are for helping people move past life's obstacles (which, for moms, might be toddler meltdowns over cheerios and newborn sleeping challenges). Today just seemed like a good day for a reminder that a single parenting mistake ~ or a few of them ~ or even less than ideal choices (which are NOT the same as mistakes!)... none of these these things define who we are. What defines us is our ability to keep going on and to be brave enough to try new things.
As Skenazy says, discussing the research of Carol Dweck:
"...there are two kinds of mindsets. [Dweck} refers to the first as the 'fixed' mindset, that of the folks who believe that they are innately intelligent or good at something. These people end up fearing challenges, because if they fail, it is a blow to their entire sense of self... So rather than trying to scale new heights (or take new tests), the 'fixed' folks spend a lot of time trying to avoid potential failures and maintain their status quo. No leaps for them.
Then there are the folks... who see failure in less drastic terms. If they fail at something, it just means they have to learn or try something new so they can do better next time..."
Maybe it's just me, but this is exciting stuff when it applies to motherhood! It is easy, as a mom, to try and "avoid potential failures" by avoiding new activities: by being too overwhelmed to go on a walk with our children, or going to the library solo, or even letting them dump play-doh all over the kitchen table and (gasp!) mix colors. Are we afraid that if our toddler has a screaming meltdown in the library (#btdt) that we are failing? NO. It means that we have a toddler, and this can be a big learning experience for both of us: maybe next time tiny tot needs a small snack before we go in, and tiny tot can learn about library rules.
And if I may be so bold: what is the bigger failure? Having a baby get a dirty diaper you weren't expecting on a walk, or having children who grow up not knowing the joy and health benefits of a walk? Or learning that a wonderful time can be had even when things don't go 100% according to plan?
This is not written as a Make You Feel Bad Post, because here's a key part from Skenazy that I want to emphasize (again): Something New Being A Challenge Does Not Make You A Failure. It Makes You Human. There are things I know better now than I did when my first born was a toddler. And because humans are individuals, there are things I've had to learn with one child and unlearn with a different child. That's okay!
When we embrace growth mindset as moms, we:
1) give ourselves grace and acknowledge we don't have all the answers (how weird would that be, anyway?)
2) celebrate the fact that we are creatures designed to LEARN. We didn't know how to drive once, right? We didn't know how to talk, write, read books, change diapers, you name it. Whatever challenge we are facing: we can learn how to work around it.
Where do you start? Maybe pick one new activity a week (or month) that we haven't wanted to brave before. Put it on the calendar. Ask a friend to join us for more accountability ("hey, Suzy! Want to meet us at the library Tuesday?") OR: "hey, can you come over so Joe can play play-doh with my kids?" Or: "Hey, Mary. Texting you because today I want to focus on letting Ella help me in the kitchen. Can you ask me later how it went?"
And remind ourselves (over and over, if needed): that doing an activity with our children is not a Pass Or Fail Test; it's an opportunity learn together, which promotes healthier relationships... and, in the end, being a mom is about a relationship, right?