I Will Not Beg Pardon For Thinking: More Lessons From Sara Crewe
Last month I wrote about re-reading A Little Princess with my daughter and the joy of discovering it all over again (and learning lessons for being a doula, even without realizing it). We are still loving this novel-reading time together and today I had another “AHA” moment, coming across a passage that must have imprinted itself on my consciousness even before I knew all the situations in life I would need it.
Sara continues in her struggle to behave like a princess, even when the adults around her are treating her like garbage. In one scene, her behavior causes the primary adult in her life, a malicious and ill-tempered woman, to lash out at her. The absurdity of the situation makes Sarah laugh, and this is the conversation the ensues:
“‘What are you laughing at, you bold, impudent child?’ Miss Minchin exclaimed. It took Sara a few seconds to control herself sufficiently to remember that she was a princess….
‘I was thinking,’ she answered.
‘Beg my pardon immediately,’ said Miss Minchin.
Sara hesitated a second before she replied.
‘I will beg your pardon for laughing, if it was rude,’ she said then; but I won’t beg your pardon for thinking.’”
Yassssss.
Ladies, you never need to beg pardon for thinking. It is your right, your inheritance, your gift to yourself & to the world. It needs no apologies. The world has long suffered for not listening to women’s thoughts more.
And thinking can manifest itself in different ways.
Thinking can mean asking questions. At your provider’s office, ask about suggestions they make. Ask why. Ask about alternatives. Ask for time. I guarantee you no provider is a malicious soul like Miss Minchin ;-), and if Sara can stand up to her, you can ask about information too. And thinking can mean finding a different provider if the answers to your questions aren’t good ones.
Thinking can mean doing your own research. I highly recommend the Evidence Based Birth site. I love the VBAC Link Instagram Page. The Cochrane Reviews are a wealth of information. So is your doula. Your OB, midwife, or nurse can only allot a certain amount of time to you during your appointments; they may want to delve into all the research with you, but have other clients waiting. Self education deserves no apology.
Thinking can mean saying, “No.” Informed consent means that refusal is a thing. There is no pardon needed for asking other people not to do certain things to your body or to your baby. Yes, you can decline a cervical exam! (this is one of the things that comes up most frequently when I’m discussing childbirth with women; these are painful as heck and do not often provide pertinent information). You can decline to undress during a prenatal checkup if it makes you feel more comfortable.
We have somehow got it into our heads in life that we must apologize if we are making some one’s job harder. Spilling a glass of water at a restaurant that requires extra clean up work is a situation where this makes sense. But thinking? Wanting to ensure that our medical care matches what our bodies & our babies need? Spending the time in wonderful self-care?
These things need no apology, mothers, and our children are watching us. Let us show them the bold, princess-like beauty of thought, no matter what our other circumstances might be.