When Dads Find Delivery Tough, A Doula Makes A Difference
When I read Tina Cassidy’s history of birth last year, I was struck by a mostly-forgotten study that a British doctor did in the 1960s. Here is what Cassidy writes:
“… a doctor toiling at Middlesex Hospital in West London interviewed fathers & their partners a couple of months after delivery. He asked the men if they were happy to have been present during the birth. They said yes, almost without exception.
That doctor…then spoke to the fathers alone & assured them that the questions and answers were confidential and that he had no strong views himself. This time, most of the men said that although the birth was a remarkable experience, it was one they could have missed…. looking back on the study, it sounds as if the men, though willingly going into the delivery room, were still uncomfortable there.”
Another study found that “…initially, fathers were confident of their ability to support their wives, but they found that labour was more work than they had anticipated. They became fearful of the outcome, but felt a need to hide these fears from their partners.”
And I find this reality reflected in some of my doula client interviews; fathers dearly want to support their partners, they are thrilled about a new baby, but the process of birth is one that leaves them feeling a bit out of their depth. Sometimes birth education classes can make a difference, but when it comes to the point of watching their loved one go through the intensity of birth, their stress rises and they can feel unsure about how to help, trying to find ways to calm their own stress at seeing their wife in pain than being able to focus on helping her cope with the pain.
To be clear: this is of course not advocating for men to go back to the smoking rooms of the 1950s. Culturally speaking, we are at an age where birth is an experience men don’t want to miss, and although the research is scant, many women say that it makes a positive difference for them to be with their spouse. Women know best what they need to feel at ease in birth, and that often includes their partner.
But a woman should not feel bad for saying, “This was really hard on my husband,” and a man should feel comfortable saying: “I didn’t know how to help you when you were in so much pain.” Childbirth is painful. In most cases, the pain is not an indicator that something is wrong (I cannot say enough good things about Rhea Dempsey’s book on this subject), but it still looks the same to a partner watching. They want to relieve the suffering and sometimes lose sight of her bigger goals for birth in trying to ease the pain.
This is the beauty of doulas, though. We are there for continuous labor support: support when a partner is feeling squeamish with all the bodily fluids, support when he feels overwhelmed by watching someone so dear to him in pain he can’t immediately fix, support when wants to provide labor support but isn’t sure how to proceed, support when he needs to take a break, support when a woman needs to hear from someone about how to work through the next level of pain…
…and all of this is non-judgmental support. We know your partner loves you. We know you make an amazing team. The fact that birth is hard on them is an indicator of how much they love you, not that that they are insufficient. We are there to hold space for your family as you grow in number and strength, and we are so thankful for that opportunity!